2 things i am always telling The Man.  1. Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 2.  Read everything first.

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Posted on August 19th, 2008 by admin
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“Wired Magazine” stuck some foot in a wrong pile today by releasing an article about how to “Hotwire Your Own Car“. If anyone actually follows this advice, they are an idiot. Not only will the directions they give not work, the attempt to make them work can ruin your car.

1. Their “what you need” list contains various tools and items. My “what you need” list contains 1 item: a spare key hidden somewhere on the car.

2. The screwdriver. This only works on 2 kinds of cars. The 20 year old Toyota pickup truck with the ignition so worn out that the key looks like a toothpick, and the 20 year old GM plasti-cars with the key that fits in a giant plastic wing-nut on the column, and happen to have a broken tumbler. In any other situation, forcing the ignition with a screwdriver will guarantee that when you do get the key, it wont fit anymore. End result: expensive repair.

3. Pulling off the panel. Nope, you need a screwdriver, and sometimes a special one. If your car has been sitting in a hot sun for a few years, pulling that panel down “carefully” will get it off, but it ain’t goin’ back on, cuz everything that holds it on is now powder. End result: expensive repair.  Or, adding other duct tape colored accents to your interior to match your new column. Oh, and forget the slightly painful electric 12 volt shock, how bout accidentally arc-welding the power wire to a chassis ground and blowing a super-fuse you don’t have or starting a harness fire.

4. Pairs of wires? Ha! this ain’t a phone system, they’re not in pairs, they are in one big shrink wrapped clump you’ll need to cut open. The way to tell the difference here is not the color. I have never seen a wiring diagram for the ignition key in an owners manual, except maybe for an old VW beetle. Your gonna need a Chilton book or something. A handier diagram would be directions to find your hidden key.

5. If your gonna start MacGyver-ing wires together, expect to blow fuses or possibly a computer. Oh, and expect an expensive repair bill.

6. Even if through some miracle, you get the car running, you cannot drive it, the steering will be mechanically locked. The only cars on the road without steering locks are older cars that have the keyhole for the ignition somewhere away from the steering wheel. when was the last time you saw that? for me, its usually older Porsche cars.

Others have probably edited more info into the article, but there is no circumstance in which even I, the Geekwrench, would choose hotwiring over a tow truck.

This post has been edited and reposted for those of you who base credibility on grammar (rather ridiculous to me if you know any physics majors). While I am better educated than most mechanics, including ‘The Man’ I work for, I have never seen anyone turn down an estimate for repair because the mechanic didn’t have an English major. Or for that mater, even speak English.

Posted on August 16th, 2008 by admin
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Ya.  Im gona make a car with 730 horsepower that uses my knees for the front bumper.

well, if ya got the time, i can understand the reason.  theres been more dangerous cars than this.  see my post on “half fast“

Posted on August 16th, 2008 by admin
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I got this comment in another post
“ well, u r wrong about nitrogen. It has bigger molicules and does not leak through the tire as fast as regular air and has much less moisture. Over all it is much better, less corrosion, less tire pressure loss and it is reletively cheap. I have done a lot of researh in this area and it would help a lot of people keep proper tire presssure.”

First: Yes nitrogen is a bigger molecule, but remember your physics. The planetary atmosphere you are pumping into your tires is 80% nitrogen, the green valve caps mean you have 99%. That means only 20% is not on a normal car. But wait, theirs more! O2 molecules are large too. Some of this air has larger molecules, some smaller. In my experience checking tires all day long, the only reason to be more than 2 lbs off in 5000 miles is a problem such as a puncture. I have never seen a steel wheel corrode, (just rust on the outside) and I have only seen aluminum wheels corrode after 20 something years. Also, the majority of air leaking out of tires is through the bead and the valve stem on a good tire. The density of the air molecules has nothing to do with it. It’s like saying that if illegal aliens were skinnier, more of them would cross the border. The tires are just simply going to wear out from their natural run before they will ever see an advantage of pure nitrogen.

Another myth I thought was hilarious was when the demo guy at a convention tried to tell me that: “Nitrogen didn’t expand when the tires got hot.” Why is this funny? The internal combustion engine pushing those tires depends on a rapid expansion of nitrogen to function.

The reason pure nitrogen is used in racing is simply because that’s what’s in the nitrogen bottle. Since it’s a PITA have a compressor around when a nitrogen bottle works just fine, they run their air tools on it, and so it goes in the tires. Its less maintenance and easier on the tools because it contains no moisture. But, is easier to calculate the rate of expansion with great accuracy. Traction can be adjusted by calculating a difference as small as a tenth of a pound of pressure in each wheel.

Nitrogen is used in aircraft tire over a certain weight for safety issues. With no oxygen in the tire, the likelihood of a blow-out feeding a blast of air to an explosion is reduced. Anyone my audience driving through a moonshine stills in Hazard County?

Nitrogen doesn’t react with rubber. So… how ya gona keep air off the outside of the tire?
When I worked in electronics, rubber belts for hi-end equipment came in a hermetically sealed bag to keep the thing nice and even until it was stretched out of proportion by some kid trying to act like DJ Jazzy Jeff.

If you take your car to a decent service station where they check your tires as part of the service every 5k or so, your never gona have a low tire until it gets a hole in it. Then it wont mater if your tires are filled with nitrogen or Twinkie goo, its going to leak out.

What are the biggest benefits from nitrogen? According to Cecil of www.straightdope.com:
(1) Cool fluorescent green valve stem caps (assuming your nitrogen vendor has any marketing savvy), which will look sharp with your spinning wheel covers. (2) Bragging rights. OK, you were behind the curve with cell phones, iPods, thong underwear, etc. Nitrogen in tires is relatively new to the mass market. Now’s your chance. (3) Reduced fire danger next time you land your space shuttle or commercial aircraft, and tell me you won’t sleep better knowing that.

The best thing to come from nitrogen:

Posted on August 11th, 2008 by admin
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There has been a lot in the news lately about Obama and McCain squeaking for oil conservation. I must clear up something that is getting blown out of proportion. Over inflating tires will not save any oil. logically, over inflating tires makes them wear out faster, and use up more tires. and guess what tires are made out of? Petroleum! Not gona help. The proper tire inflation, marked on your cars door pillar (not on the tire, thats the max for the rubber itself) is the right way to do it. By the way, don’t bother with nitrogen unless your racing or have expensive rims. Here are some better ways to save gas, and if your really into the religion of environmentalism, you might save a bug or two.

Make sure your car is well maintained. Anything that the car has to work harder to do will use more gas, and more tire. That includes whole vehicle maintenance, not just the engine. Alignment, suspension components, even the electrical systems condition takes its toll.

Installing hi quality stiff shocks can help, but your ride will suffer.

Installing low rolling resistant tires will help. For example Michelin harmony. If your cheap, get the narrowest hardest tire you can find. Keep in mind this will effect emergency performance.

Keep your windows up on the freeway, it creates drag. Keep the AC off. If its hot, bring a large glass of ice.

Lay off the brakes. DO NOT DRIVE SLOW, that wastes the gas of everyone behind you. (and pisses me off when I’m trying to coast) Your brakes (unless you drive a hybrid) are designed specifically to remove energy from your momentum. In other words, they waste energy. A car is most eficient when its in its highest gear at its lowest non bogging engine RPM, Usually around 50 MPH on a modern car with overdrive. Get up to a decent speed and coast. If there is a stop coming up, don’t boogie all the way up to it, take your foot off the gas and slow down as much as possible without the brakes (but don’t hit anyone). In my truck, I get up to 30 or 40 mph in the city, and take it out of gear. this makes a difference of almost 4 miles per gallon, but i drive a stick.

It is rumored that some car designers are testing an engine management system that makes the gas pedal harder to push when you accelerate too fast. My answer to this; cut a Tennis ball in half and screw it under the gas pedal. Make sure you don’t screw through wiring or a gas line, and make sure you know the difference between the gas and the brake pedal. I will not be responsible for stupidity, i get enough from the car designs themselves.

And the best solution to save gas: buy a good lightweight bike.

Posted on August 8th, 2008 by admin
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for all you trying to understand how customer service works, this guy got it

Posted on July 29th, 2008 by admin
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(the title and this paragraph were added a few minutes later)

Me and my wife (the geekette) have discovered for the third time, the 80s TV shows are more enjoyable if relived only in memory.  We recently got MacGyver on Netflix, where he taught a runaway teenager how to fish with a gum wrapper.  She took MacGyver to her place, and he ended up paying for her college education.

When I was working for min wage, i could go to Stater’s market and get lunch for less than a buck. A can of generic soda, an apple, and a granola bar. total about 70 cents. Not much of a lunch, but i think of this when i see people buy their Starbucks with a credit card.

I was thinking about visiting the cigar shop nearby, all i have left in the humidor is nice stuff, and i just wanted a little pleasure puff. Sarah said i would just hafta rely on her for that. I told her she was too hard to get lit.

When The Man brought the used engine back for me to put in the Buick, he reminded me of a puppy excitedly bringing a muddy slobbery tennis ball back to his owner.

Cars are becoming so reliable and well performing that people are taking advantage of it. Their driving is becoming less reliable and of lower performance.

We have a Wii. We have probably more Wii games than some video stores. i don’t know how that happened since i only purchased one. Ive noticed they have a formula like cheap novels: your introduced to an environment, your given a problem, then taken for a ride, and you never finish it.

From our community 30 foot garbage bin, Ive noticed: The larger the garbage containment facility provided, the larger the pile of garbage is right next to it.

I used to go to “sport cuts” for my hair. Why is it the better looking the stylist is, the worst job they do? I gave the 45 year old latino a $5 tip on a 10 cut the first time, i didn’t bother tipping the leggy blond the last time. I think i know what a cat handled by a 3 year old would feel like now.

Posted on July 27th, 2008 by admin
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Some people. you try to tell them everything is wrong with their car,

they still only want an oil change

This is, on the lift, what we refer to as Jaba the Buick. Im open to posible other captions.

We bought a car from a customer that needed an engine. The Man decides to get this bargain front clip that had been sitting in the rain next to a body shop like a chained up puppy for 4 years. Its an entire front subframe including a transmission, steering and suspension systems. As every seller of a used engine claims, it has low miles. it also had leaves, sludge, spiders, and many bent components in accessory. Since we are busy, It sits on the floor behind the transplant prospective, and became the shop pet. The Man says it looks like the thing from star wars, so i called it Jabba.
I now have to treat it like a pet, feeding it money and time to get it up to function. pulling it apart i found lots of crud everywhere. Monday i will even have to take it home and give it a bath so we can put new seals and casting plugs in it (we want it in its best show shape). All this so we can send it to slaughter on the freeways of the commuting public. another hole in the road in which someone will throw money.

Posted on July 27th, 2008 by admin
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Because i am a “cheap conservative” and like to save money, i look a lot like an environmentalist wacko a couple times a week, as i wear a bright yellow shirt and pack a bike bag in the spot for Sarah’s hybrid in the driveway. I told myself that if i consistently ride my bike to work twice a week, then i would permit myself to buy a nice bike. I’m getting to the point now where i can cover the 4 or so miles in about 15 minutes.

Side note: i really would like to get Sarah to enjoy bike riding more, i am trying to think of events we can do. On our last beach trip we bought an “all terrain” ice chest. got huge wheels on it, making it almost possible to pull it across beach sand. It rolls so easily that i got the idea to make a bike trailer out of it.

this should also come in particularly handy at the beach, where the actual beach and the parking spot you got there can be a long way apart.  especially when PCH is closed in Huntington Beach.  I will try to post a pic of this if it works out.

Anyway, there are people in our industrial complex that are causing me some trouble.  first off, despite all our efforts to follow environmental law, there is a stream of mysterious powdery liquid coming from a particular shop up-wind of us, that flows behind our bay door, causing it to get tracked in on vehicle tires.  I have said nothing about this, but people have complained.  This same shop recently got itself a dog, and refuses to tie it up.  on 3 occasions now, that dog has chased me on the bike.  I thought about pepper-spray, but so far charging back at the dog works.  i asked the shop people to take care of it, but i wonder if they even understand English.  I got particularly angry last time and told them that if the dog bit me i would sue them and own their shop.  We shall see now if i am calling the humane society on them. I would like to avoid ordering tires or windowpanes if this gets crazy, but i don’t want to get bit by a damn mutt.

Note 2 the A nail re10tive:  this is personal blog.  saint for professionals.  I tipe the way i want 2, and dont care  about postrophes and crapitalization.  this is my style, and if you dont like it go away.

the rest of you are welcome to comment on my style as far as creativity. i am allways willing to change my mind, as long as its for a better one.

Posted on July 23rd, 2008 by admin
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Hard to tell a new client that your a European specialist when there are 3 Chryslers in the parking lot and a Buick on the lift.  I just explain t them that after working on Volvos and Audis, it would be a peice of cake.  well maybe the Buick is, i have learned to hate Chrysler today.

Saturday a 99 Dodge Intrepid comes in with a flashing MIL and a dead miss.  #3 cyl no juice.  scope shows no signal on that coil, so i swap it with another.  the miss doesn’t move.  I pulled the plug out, and it looked like the one the designated spark plug supervisor at the factory put in 110,000 miles ago when he was still married. Now, on this 3.2liter, the only thing in the circuit here is a coil, a computer and a couple of wires.  i popped the plug off the computer and the coil, found no problem with the circuit, and sold the client a new control module.  that was Saturday.  Monday i am greeted by the big box of warning stickers that contains the new PCM.  Inside the shrink-wrapped box under the computer, after you pay for it and the guy leaves, you find the pamphlet that says the computer must be programed by a 3,000 computer that you don’t have. I call the supplier back and he assures me like a used car salesman that there shouldn’t be a need for that, so i put in the new module.  Upon completion, the car starts and dies.  6 times.  then doesn’t start.

So it gets hook dragged to the dealer where they charge us a days wages to reprogram the computer.  The dealer then reports that the mechanic found some other codes in the system and wants us to pay for further diagnostic time.  I politely map out a direction to propel is proposition and pick up the car. It runs like crap. way worse than it did before.  I did a paramater reset, and what do ya know?  car runs great.  I test drove it for 10 or so miles, and call the customer to pick up their horse.

this morning i walk in the door to the phone ringing.  guess who.  car runs like crap again.  i expected to have a million MIL codes and do another reset, posibly waranty the new module.  car runs just like it did saturday,  dead on #3.  I call tech support for chrysler, the guy, ignoring half of what i told him, tells me its  secondary ignition problem.  The 4th time I explain to him what i did, a light goes on and he then tells me that there might be a short somewhere.  Now i checked for this, even though very rarely does a factory harness short out.  people have been making these for years now and have figured out how to do it.  (well except maybe 80s and 90s european cars that made a deal with Crayola Wax for their insulation). Guy tells me that techs are puting a 3 amp fuse on the switch side of the coil driver at the module.  yeesh.  do they use scotch-locks too?

I pull out my scope again and find the dead coil, and look at the signal to the computer.  both sides 12 volts, tiny square wave drop of a volt as the computer tries to colapse the field.  i get agressive and cut the wire of the computer and the plug, and put a meter on it.  2.5 ohms to ground.  an intermiten short. I wanted to throw something, but everything within reach was too expensive.  I bypassed the harness, car now runs great.

I wont get too rash, i was tempted to tell The Man i wernt gona work on no more frikin American plastic then a caravan and a 300m came in.  I tell myself the moisture is sweat, not tears.

Posted on July 15th, 2008 by admin
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